


Kiza Apini's Survival Top Ten: Essential skills for life, death, alien planets and dealing with the Entitled.

by angelan



Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:31:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5461721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelan/pseuds/angelan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kiza Apini is deeply concerned about Jupiter's ability to make it through life unscathed.  So deeply concerned, she's written her a survival guide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiza Apini's Survival Top Ten: Essential skills for life, death, alien planets and dealing with the Entitled.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tielan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tielan/gifts).



Kiza Apini’s Survival Top Ten: Essential skills for life, death, alien planets and dealing with the Entitled.

**Introduction:**

Hi Jupiter! Merry Christmas Your Very Royal Majesty! I was thinking and thinking about what to get the woman who owns earth and everything on it (they don’t have lists for that in Glamour, let me tell you). As much as I love giving out candles and hand cream(I’m on Etsy (and Tumblr!) at miss-mellifera for all your bee-sourced gifting needs, just saying…) I thought maybe this would be more useful. 

 

**10: Know Your Enemies’ Weaknesses**

Bad things about the House of Abrasax? Well, I guess I could tell you what you already know here, they own a bunch of planets, they’ve lived for thousands of years at the expense of billions and billions of human lives. That’s obvious though, so instead: the juiciest bits of gossip I have on all of them, gleaned from my subscription to (the extremely high brow, very trustworthy) OurusNow! Magazine and…some slightly more dubious sources. Maybe they’re not true, but I figure keep them in mind when you’re meeting with your darling children. It’ll keep the courage up.  
_  
1) (OurusNow! Holonet Site 14/05/10)_

“Exclusive! The billionaire heiress of Abrasax Industries has reportedly had all her handmaidens genetically altered! In an interview, one who refused the treatment said ‘She just hates having to remember names and faces – there’s so many of us. It’s easier for her if everyone just looks the same. So now I’m fired! Just because I’m way hotter than she is!’ 

Now, now, lets not be bitter – clearly Kalique just can’t get the staff! If we had RegeneX on tap (reportedly from fountains!) like she does, we’d probably do something to improve the looks of the boys in the newsroom! __

_2) (OurusNow! May Magazine 12/05/14)_

“Whoa! Titus! The youngest scion of House Abrasax gave us all something to think about yesterday with a social media slip up that’s bound to have everyone wondering. A ‘what’s-in-my-ship’ pic displayed the cockpit of the one of a kind custom GeltiniFlyer (reportedly bought for an entire planet’s harvest of RegeneX!). In amongst the scattered possessions, eagle eyed viewers managed to enhance what appears to be an appointment card to see Dr. Celaphini Knight. Regular readers will know exactly the kind of alterations Dr. Knight specializes in… The pic was removed early this morning with no comment from House Abrasax. We’ll all be keeping a close eye on the relevant area – right gossip fans?!

3) I guess I should refrain from speaking TOO ill of the dead, but you should probably know that most of the galaxy thinks Balem’s throat…issues came from a misadventure in auto-erotic asphyxiation with an octopus-splice he had designed just for that purpose. Obviously it’s not true, but I still think you should spread it wherever you can.

 

**9: Learn how to Assimilate**

Some of us are better at this than others. My Dad isn’t terrible at it, even if he’s 70% bee. (Honestly that’s not even a lot – your average bog standard human is 50% bee) You just have to find a stereotype that fits with your personal needs, and people will go with it. Humans like categorising people, that moment of ‘ah, I understand everything I will ever need to know about you, you are This Type of Person.’ Dad is Overprotective Dad Survivalist and I’m Home Schooled and a Bit Weird. 

It’s the same in space, I think. Your options are pretty much Dumb Heiress and Mad Revolutionary. I like Mad Revolutionary better because you can do whatever you want. Someone will probably shoot you though. I don’t want someone to shoot you.

**8: Trust No One**

This one is pretty self explanatory, I guess. Dad’s still sorry, except he’s not, because I might be dead. Except he is, because what if he’d asked you for the therapy? Except he’s not, because I needed RegeneX, and a hundred people died for me. I don’t know if I’m sorry either. 

I suppose the moral here is to work out what people need, and be the person they betray other people to so they get it. That’s not a great moral though. Sorry.

**7: I’m just kidding, you have to trust someone**

Of course you do. You can’t run a revolution on your own. Dog splices are A++ on the trustworthiness scale though. Bees, well. Depends on if you’re in the hive or not. 

**6: You can’t get the wax without breaking up the honeycomb.**

Ok, so for this one I’m going to need to refresh your memory a bit. It’s a great story, you’re the star. (I’m the star really. You need a plucky heroine, and you’re the ruler of earth so you don’t count)

Once upon a time, there was a great Queen who owned an entire planet, and she made sure all the people of her planet were happy by individually cleaning their toilets.

(I promise I’m going somewhere with this)

Eventually she realised that individually cleaning toilets wasn’t getting her anywhere, and that most of the people of her planet were pretty much as unhappy as they had always been. They were also in imminent danger of being turned into goo if anything happened to their Beloved Queen (who, incidentally, they knew nothing about. You’d better believe there would have been a hashtag campaign or two if the people of her planet knew anything about why they were there.).

So, after many consultations with the Brave but Simple Knight (I know this designation will annoy Caine. I live to annoy Caine.), and the Extremely Clever Handmaiden (me, obviously, the plucky heroine of the piece) and some input from her Overbearing Father, it was decided something needed to be done.

What, though? What could be done? The Beloved Queen was yet unwed, without heirs. In the event of a Misfortune, the planet would be inherited by her nearest relative. On Earth, that would be her delightful mother, followed by her less delightful cousins. On Ourus…not so much. On Ourus, the law states that unless provisions are made, an Entitled person’s effects will automatically only be inherited by another Entitled. 

Provisions, such as a will. A will that would, without fail, ensure that Certain Persons never came into possession of the Earth. An airtight contract. An almost impossible thing, one might think.

Hence, the Beloved Queen and her companions needed once again to slay the great beast called “Bureaucracy”. And so, the Extremely Clever Handmaiden set about trying to make this come to pass (whilst also making shipping deadlines for her successful home business. In case you forgot.)

There came, as will happen, three trials. Three obstacles in the way of success.

_Trial The First_ : Advocate Bob has been mysteriously reassigned. As the Extremely Clever Handmaiden has already noted, Trust No One. Especially not the Advocate Sally, so helpfully loaned by Kalique Abrasax in our hour of need.

_Trial The Second_ : The Brave but Simple Knight wants to punch his way to victory. It’s not going to happen! Thank goodness the Extremely Clever Handmaiden was on hand to prevent his inevitable arrest/execution.

_Trial The Third_ : The Beloved Queen is against bribery. ‘Can’t we do it…you know…properly?’ She says. Properly! This is properly! A bribe, a few forms, maybe a little judicious use of the Brave but Simple Knight’s intimidating muscles! That’s how things are done here! 

I’m sure you remember how the rest of the story goes (fifty three forms, eight months of waiting, four assassination attempts, and one minor kidnapping before the tale was done), but here is my point: if you want to change anything, I think you need to get comfortable with being a jerk sometimes. If you want, you can farm out the asshole jobs to other people – just remember that when worker bees sting, they die. The Queen can sting forever and nothing happens to her. Take every damn advantage you’ve got. _They_ will.

 

**5: You need to fill in a form. No, not that one. A different one. Bureaucracy rules the universe.**

Go to the Records department to get a Healthcare Assist Contribution 887V form. Ah, wait, you can’t, you need the Security 544BB2 form in order to get into the records department in the first place. What? You haven’t got the Form 7111HH filled in? Well how can you possibly expect me to know which Security form I need to get for you? 544BB2? Are you sure? You do realise if you fill in the wrong one it will delay your application by six to eight Ourus weeks? Dead by then? No, I don’t see how that’s our problem. You should have been diagnosed sooner, then, shouldn’t you? Some people just don’t want to be helped!

 

**4: Important facts about Diomika Tsing**

1) Once arrested a rouge skyjacker while on foot, armed only with a cocktail umbrella.  
2) Completely impossible to bribe. What material thing does she want??? No one knows.  
3) No one knows where she was born. It’s like she appeared one day, a fully formed legionnaire. They say her first complete sentence was “Yes Sir.”  
4) After she retired from the legion and took a position in the Aegis, no less than fifteen people committed crimes with the sole intent of being arrested by her so they could ask for an autograph.  
5) They all went to jail anyhow.  
6) They all said it was worth it.

**3: FTL Travel**

Never, ever, ever, enter FTL travel whilst hungover. This has been an important Public Service Announcement from my Dad. He says it should be number one on my list. It’s at number three, Dad! That’s pretty good! Apparently I’ll understand why it should be number one someday…

**2: Assumptions can get you in trouble.**

“Oh, you’re a cat splice, right, that’s cool?” THEY WILL NOT BE. THEY WILL BE SOMETHING ELSE.

Additional tip: never make animal noises at splices. 1) It will be the wrong noise. 2) C’mon! 3) …I can still tell Caine to sit, though. That’s 100% fine. Occasional bops to the nose with newspaper, also a-ok.

**1: Remember I said bureaucracy rules the universe? I lied, it’s the Entitled.**

This is the only thing you really need to know, and I guess you already know it. There are about a thousand Entitled, and they’ve each lived over a thousand years. Every one of them except you. (You can look them all up, you know. Ugh, I just realised I shouldn’t have bothered with this, I could just have bought you the Who’s Who.) They’re all willing to trade and use RegeneX, so they all have more resources and more time than you do. 

So what do you have? You have Earth. You have a couple of ex-legionnaires. As long as you don’t break any laws, you have the Aegis on your side. You have a successful small business owner with 300 followers on tumblr. You have the ability to clean a bathroom in less than three minutes. You are Entitled.

I know it doesn’t seem like a lot. I still think you can survive though. The swarm thinks so too.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Yuletide - hope you have a lovely holiday :)


End file.
